Learn to Swerve.

Ifs, ands, or butts.

Where do you go, my lovely? Where do you go?

Well. I go crazy. Mostly. But I did decide to take a brief hiatus from the "Whoa Is Me" drama I've been writing about lately, and get back to just being "me".

The me who scrapbooks. Oh yes. No need to reread that. I did it. I'm not ashamed. I made a page. (Singular). Even posted that bad boy at Two peas. Where I'm sure the majority of people are going, WHAT in the WORLD? She's still here?

Yeah. The leper of the scrapbook world, is slowly making a comeback.
It's nothing I'd put my name on in a public forum, but it gets the job done.

(Exactly what job remains to be seen)

.
I also against my better judgment, decided to color my hair. Again.

See. I get these wild hairs no pun intended, where I think to myself, "Self", your life needs something. Something that doesn't involve getting arrested, getting pregnant, or doing something I can't speak freely about to a family member, and when I get that way, I have to fill that need. With something not laden with calories. So. I turn to my misguided roots. I found this photo of a very attractive girl, with a very sultry, yet easy to acquire hair cut. Or so one would THINK. Turns out, 4 hours, and some not so fun foiled moments later, I actually look like this: 

Really not the same thing, at all. But in the true to Ruth fashion, I decided to just go with it.

So here we be. I also, in awesome mother of the year nominee status, allowed my daughter to get some highlights as well.
I'm sure someone will have something to say about my 4 year old with highlights, but they were free, she wanted them, and she's been so awesome about having to home-school for Pre-K, since it's the price of a small car to send her to preschool here. I think it bodes well for the both of us. Who knows.

Things are just so not normal lately, it's like I'm in a red bull induced fog, that just won't clear. Which might work for some people, but I can't stand red bull, so it makes me a little leery. My dad thinks he's found love, AGAIN, small problem, she doesn't want kids. He has 10. Hmmm??

My husband is still gone, (in more ways than one), and I'm reverting to the only coping mechanism I have. Eating. Which would be great if my pants were too big, or my rear-end didn't double as a parking garage, but, sadly my pants barely fit, and there are enough parking spots on my backside for a sold out Hannah Montana concert. *Sigh* Perhaps, I'll do what I have to, to survive. That seems to be our motto around here. But the good news is, we almost have a super target, and I've not crashed this week. I realize it's only Tuesday, but I'll take it.

My kids keep me going, and not just because they run faster than me, they really do make the day worth living. I had someone tell me yesterday that if they could guarantee they'd have kids like mine, they'd take that plunge, and while some days are much better than others, I wouldn't trade one second for anything.

That's the good thing about kids. They love you, no matter what. No matter how fat, how thin, how ugly, how scatter-brained. They don't care, all they require is everything I can give them, food, love, and the occasional trip to Chuck E cheeses.
And I mean really, for what I get in return, it's completely worth it. 100%.

No ifs ands or buts about it.  (well maybe some butts, but it's a small price to pay when you consider the rewards.) A very small price indeed.

When it rains...

You can pretty much tell what kind of day you are going to have within the first 2-4 minutes of being awake. Or so it is for those of us with children.

Case in point, 7:45, the alarm goes off, yet strangely enough, my bed is empty. Which, might SEEM normal to most married women who's husbands are deployed, but when you live in a 6 bedroom house with 15 people, waking up alone means one of 2 things: The Lord has called your family home, and you were not invited, or the children are up to NO GOOD. Being that nobody in this house is quite ready to return to their maker, I began to panic.

Without so much as a 25 second head start, to prepare me for what I am going to see when I open my  bedroom door, I hear the voice of Aubree: "Mom, if you see brown stuff in the tub, it's either Chocolate, or poop".
I've never been a betting woman, but I'm willing to lay you money, I'm not going to find a Dove bar.

Seems the potty train, the one I bought tickets for 3 weeks ago, hoping Charity would climb aboard with me, had left the station. Not only had it left without her, it has become quite apparent, it's not coming back this way for a good 2 or 3 months. (What do you want to bet, there's no refunds on that badboy?)

I cleaned up that awesomeness, and figured with a start like that, we could only move upward. I guess I see now why I failed statistics. Figures and me... we're just, No.

I took it upon myself to let Mikey pack his own lunch last night. He has been begging for hot lunch, and while the idea of it is tempting, (no packing, no paper products, no forgetting it on the bus, ) the idea of forking out $3 a day for something I'm pretty sure he's flinging at unassuming kindergarteners, just isn't getting me excited. When I initially offered this idea up, I fully intended on supervising him in the process. What I didn't count on, was the complete removal of all the keys on my laptop by my niece, and my still diapered 2 year old, as I bathed a sickly Mia, who was still all smiles, but very much in need of a cleaning.

I always heard it said genius children are known for taking things apart and putting them back together at early ages. They got the complete removal of the keys down, yet when it came time to reassemble their little "project", their IQ's suddenly failed them.

After playing sherlock in my room for a good 2 hours, I managed to locate all but 4 of the keys, the "v", and the first 3 function keys. I set out to putting the kids to bed, and was delighted to take a moment to myself.

When I realized at 8am, that I hadn't yet surveyed the contents of Mikey's lunch box, I asked him to let me see it. He removed from his backpack, what I imagine a small group of large men would feast upon after having been left in the wilderness to fend for themselves for 2 weeks.   I realize that this may appear to be a whole lot of processed food for  one child to eat, you have to understand we usually take a wrap, an apple, and ONE sweet delicious or salty snack. Never have we just opened up the floor for whatever strikes your fancy. And yes, that IS an entire can of spaghettios in there. I had to draw the line at bringing the can opener .

He was not impressed when I made him remove all but the cheese stick, and the oreos, in favor of some fruit, and a something who's first ingredient isn't "glucose". Things settled down for a bit when the kids finally got into school. Only to take off again when it was time to meet the bus. The doors open, and Mikey steps off. Ok, 1 down, 1 to go. The driver waves good-bye, and begins to pull away. Ummm, I do believe I have another 6 year old aboard your trusty yellow wagon. He disagrees, and proceeds to drive away. I turn to my son who informs me, Isaac's coat is camoflauge, it's possible he's still on the bus, just not recognizable to the untrained eye. I take his knowledge into account as I head to the school for my brother.  Sure enough, there he sits, in the cafeteria, awaiting someone to pick him up.

I've become the "mother" to 4 new children. And while I am more than willing to do it, sometimes I just don't think they want me. I can't say I blame them.

We get home from our little excursion, and I decide to climb Mt. Everest, AKA, the laundry pile, only to be met by a leak in the washing machine, which has dampened the ENTIRE pile of clothes. I start troubling deaf heaven with my bootless cries, and swear off clothing all together, when my favorite boxcar child, is once again running the opposite way of the train tracks. I don't even want to see what she's done, and vow to duct tape her diaper on her, until she's secured acceptance into an Ivy league school. (Of course they'd have to be willing to change her diapers.)

At this point, the day is all but shot, and I'm drowning my sorrows in a cup of cold-stone, (Why diet, when one can have self-loathing, and fat-rolls for free?).

It is then I remember the words of someone, although who, fails me right now. "This too shall pass". Almost as if I'm being prompted to just say, you know what, tomorrow WILL be better. It HAS to be better. I give into the urge to cry, and things seem to improve almost immediately. It could be worse, I could have a criminal record still, and be going through all this. Either way. Things do have a way of seeming so funny when you break them down. And I hear crying burns at least 10 calories an hour. So yes, when it rains, it does pour, but I do have the rainbow to look forward to. And for those of you wondering,It might be raining, but I'm not grabbing my umbrella. Heck no. I'm building my ark = )

Thooper.. Thanks for asking.

That's been my response to just about everyone lately who's asked me how I'm doing. It isn't true mind you, but it sounds good.

I first want to say THANK YOU, to all those who volunteered to send me scrapbook stuff from my last post, let me clarify, I was not asking for stuff, at all. I have more than enough at home, and plan to purchase lots more when things settle down, that was actually my "disclaimer" for all the ugly pages I was going to be posting. I appreciate the offers though, you girls are amazing.

    Turns out, there's not gonna be too much of that "scrapbooking" thing around here. My sister is having another baby, and my other sister leaves for her mission in just a few weeks, so I'm up to my eyeballs in the leftovers around here. I had a busy week thwarting the attempts of an internet hooker trying to scam my dad out of my mothers life insurance. The things I do for the ones I love.

   I took some time out of my busy, merry maid schedule to take some pictures of my adorable children. Who are doing amazing by the way. They're making themselves at home amongst the turmoil and mess that is my existence lately. I love how well they adapt. Mikey's only complaint about Alaska is the snow pants, he can do the cold, the moose, the bears, " I just don't dig the snow pants."

  Mia is doing her I'm an adorable offspring thing, I caught her making some classic faces this week. Anyone who says kids are not for them, needs to spend time with my kids. They'd most likely feel the same, but at least they'd be able to better the scenery with cuteness for a bit.                                                  Other than that, we're digging the cold. Charity, HATES the snow,  I mean, if it came down to voluntary timeout  or walking 2 feet into the snow, she'd volunteer for the extra time out. I finally got her to walk across it for a few feet the other day, by bribing her with small snacks, works every time. 

She's so my kid. On a food consumption note, I am taking small steps towards being the fit mom that I've always known lies beneath this frame. Unfortunately, the "gym" also known as my sisters room, with the treadmill, has not been very conducive to my weight loss goals.

 

(That and my brother works at pizza hut, and takes his paycheck in pizzas on a nightly basis.) Tonights offering was a stuffed crust with pineapple. I however am determined to get into a size 9 before leaving the land of the midnight sun.

I've got some great songs to motivate me. That and the prospect of seeing my husband in 9 months. Either one will work. I hope.

Gosh, I'm lame. What else, I have no wal-mart stories to tell, being that the wal-mart here closes at 10pm. I know. PIck up your jaw. We don't have a super wal-mart, and the one here closes at 10pm. A wal-mart that closes? Who knew? So. I pretty much just chauffeur my brothers around all day, and try not to die in icy road crashes. Yes, we're back to that. I've crashed once, been ran into a ditch, pulled my brother out of the same ditch, and picked him up after being ran into by a snow plow. We really know how to party around these parts.

Speaking of party, me and the Uber fabulous Courtney Kelly have been hanging out tons, our kids get along smashingly, and we manage to stay out of trouble. We went to an Eve 6 concert the other night, and while I'm certain we had more kids than anyone else in the place, we proved just because you're 26, doesn't mean you can't have fun. I really have nothing of importance to share. my dream of winning HOF is nt going to be realized once again, because it seems talent, and time are 2 necessities needed, and well, I'm short on both this week.

Good luck to those of you doing it, and thank you again for your offers of scrapbook goodness. I'm certain I'll get back to those scrapbooks one day. Right now the 7th load of laundry is calling my name, and I think someone has found my hiding spot. One day, I'll return, until then, let Mia make you smile. She seems to be the only one who does it for me these days = )

Growth.

Where to begin.
Things. Are. INSANE.

I've always thrived on making non funny things, humorous for the benefit of all those involved, hoping to make something good come out of something, well, not so good.

Lately. I'm finding no humor in anything.

We've been in dilemma after dilemma, had more crap thrown in our faces than one can even begin to imagine, and still the only one laughing, is Mia. And boy, is she laughing. Not to mention, this. Who gave her permission to grow? Well, actually, she hasn't grown MUCH. Still 13 pounds at 6.5 months, and the cutest little sprig ever.

We're all still trying to get the logistics down of having no mom. I drive my moms car occasionally with it's license plates that read 10 kids, I can't begin to tell you how odd it is to be asked at the age of 26, how old my 10 kids are... UM. I know I got older this past year, but really? The Alaskan scene is doing nada for my motivational issues. It's dark when we wake up, dark when we go to sleep. Dark when we choose between running on the treadmill, or going to coldstone for ice cream. Dark when we decide Coldstone wins, hands down. The kids are doing ok considering the fact they are no longer are allowed to just open the door and frolic about with the neighbor children. Being that they're more likely to encounter moose than they are smallish friends, they seem ok with being holed up inside.

I've taken a few steps towards getting back on the scrapbook wagon. I have not yet boarded the wagon, but I set up a small station, (and when I say small, I mean a desk with a computer and a stack of cardstock.) I didn't bring anything with me when I left as I was uncertain if I'd have the time or the desire to scrapbook, but the good news is, I've found all sorts of things around the house I can use in the meantime and I think if it's true that necessity is the mother of invention, I'm bound to invent some awesome techniques and pages. Either that or give a whole new meaning to the term "simple scrapbooks".

I did become a stampin' up demonstrator in hopes of getting a discount while purchasing products I'm likely to buy anyway. Figured it can't hurt.

The kids are doing as well as can be expected. Missing their dad, who by the way left Christmas morning for Afghanistan, so we are officially beginning our 15 month sojourn without him. Things just seem to keep going towards the bottom of the crap heap. The good news is, it can't get much worse, so I eagerly await the goodness that will soon come falling into our lives. Hopefully in the form of large denominations of bills and calorie-less chocolate. One can dream.

I've tried to update my blog, and It seems to be screaming, "no computer skills what-so-ever". This is just the jump start I need to get me on my path to digital super-galactic oneness, and overall computer mastery. So if you notice alot of changes in it, bear with me, as I try to join the masses who have already figured this whole thing out.

I'm officially "back" as one might say. I'm emailing, contacting, and trying to get back to all those who did and said so much to help me through all that we were dealing with. It means so very much. Kindness is one of those things I am constantly amazed at. And you guys are amazing. If You emailed me and didn't hear back, or I owe you a photo, or something else, please contact me. I have had so much going on I didn't even make it wal-mart but 3 times this week. A shocker in and of itself. Thank you all for sticking in there with me. I have almost 100,000 hits on this blog, which really, makes no sense WHAT SO EVER. But your willingness to read this travesty ridden meanderment, makes me smile. So thanks. For that.

I must head to the child filled bed, see if I can't find a spot not containing a limb or small child part and get some sleep. Even though the sun won't be rising, I unfortunately have to.
Thanks again. I'm Audi = )

Learning to swerve. Again.

It's amazing to me how many of you have let me know that you've been in the same position. How many of you have lost loved ones to cancer. And how many of you just wanted to say you care. I never would have imagined when I started blogging, one sad lonely day 4 years ago, that so many people would be reached.

I'm at a point in my life where so many things are being realized. So many things are changing. Some for the good. Some for the bad. I'm learning to swerve. In a new direction.

I'm learning to live without my mom. I'm learning to raise my kids again without their father. I'm learning to say good-bye to too many people, all at once.

I'm learning I can cry, and people will be there to wipe my tears.

I'm learning I am strong enough to deal with things I never thought I could.

I'm learning I can drive big cars on icy roads, and not have a total panic attack.

I'm learning my kids know more about life than I do.

I'm learning that there are those who want you to serve them, and there are those who will serve you even if it means giving up everything to do so.

I'm learning there is good in places that I used to think it didn't exist.

These past few weeks have found me so lost. In so many ways. My mother was more than a mom, she was a friend, and a hero. A person who would calm the world around me, when things got too out of hand.

We're doing ok. I'm making a home here in the basement. Once again. This time with 4 kids. And noone to clean up the messes of the kids who live here. I'm not sure if most of you know, but I am the oldest of 10 kids. 8 of which still live at home. There are 6 kids under 6, 2 19 year olds, a 20 year old, a 14 year old, a 12 year old, me, my married sister, and my dad. Lonliness, is not an option. But sanity is.

We're trying to make our schedules work. Trying to decide who will take over the parts of life my mom used to juggle effortlessly. Cleaning the kitchen is now a 3 hour process. Laundry day, has turned into laundry week. dinner time brings new meaning to chaos. And the night time is especially lonely. My dad is without his wife, and I am without my husband. Really, we're bonded by the situation we both share. He however is not dealing as well.

I will never truly understand the loss he must be feeling, but I know that in time, all of us will find our way to deal. I've got alot to do, alot to share, and as silly as it sounds, alot of stuff to scrapbook. I've decided running away from the hobby that used to bring me so much joy, was silly. I've found some amazing photos of my mom that my father took when my mom and him were dating. So many things people have shared in the past few weeks that I want to document. I'm going to dive right in as soon as I get my living area under control. Thank you sooo much to all those of you who have shared stories, emails, and comments. I fully intended on telling you all personally how much your comments mean, but it seems as if I've gotten so many I may never catch up. I thank you for that.

I am almost back to whole, and ready to be the mom, daughter, and blogger I used to be. If you have the desire, I would ask that you watch the tribute video that was made for my mothers funeral. It shows so many sides of her, and it really is beautiful.  Video. (Just click the play button on the picture of her and watch. )

Enjoy your new years, and my next post will find me happy, thin, and back to the regular scheduled programming most of you enjoy. Thank you again. All of you. For everything. You will never know how much it means. 

She's gone.

This afternoon. My mom, my mother, my best friend. The person who believed in me, when most did not, passed away.

I cannot begin to put into words how sad I am. I hate that cancer took her away from me. From us. From her family, her children, my father.

She touched so many people, SO many.

Her fingerprints are on the lives of all who met her, and not a day will go by that I don't see her, and the things she did, and not want to be a better person.

I will be ok.

But I ask that you pray for my Dad. He is going to be so lost without her. And I can only hope my stay in Alaska will be of some help, and not a hinderance. Thank you all for your thoughts and well wishes.

Those of you didn't know her. You will. I will make it my job to scrapbook her, and not let her memory fade. My children will know her, my grandchildren will know her. And we will never forget her.

She was as beautiful as she was funny. Her laugh could make people stop and smile. Her will to live was stronger than that of 1000 soldiers. She never met a scrabble game she couldn't win, and her love for Matlock was what led me to be as dedicated to murder and mayhem as I am today. I got her nose. And her curly hair. I got her hands, and her cheek bones. She never had her ears pierced because as she put it, "I haven't worn earrings in 45 years, why start today?" She cooked dinner for large families, she raised 10 children, she attended church with a dedication that to this day I admire.

Her handwriting was not easily forged, and her little eye twitch caused small wrinkles in the corners of her eyes. She never once wanted to give up. She was told she'd live 8 weeks, and 5 years later she was still as fervent in her will to beat it as ever.

She did not deserve what was given to her, but she took it, and everything that came with it. She lost her hair, she lost weight, she lost her colon, her uterus, and gained more scars than any woman should have to, and she smiled still, because she was alive.

I will miss her. SO very much. Not a moment in my life was spent without her teachings there to guide me. I can only hope my children will think as much of me, as I did of her.

I will be absent for awhile. I've got alot of stuff to deal with. But I will be back. She wasn't a quitter, and neither am I.

If you can see me mom, know that I miss you already. And I'm sorry I'm not perfect. But I love you. More than you will ever know...

I quit.

Yes. You read that correctly. I quit.

I quit pretending I'm happy.

I quit pretending I'm a good scrapbooker.

quit pretending things are going to work out.

quit pretending I have all the answers.

quit pretending things are fair.

I will however with the new found love of quitting, begin. I will begin to take care of things in my life that make me unhappy. I will begin to accept the fact I can't do it all, I will begin to realize, I will never be perfect, but that is perfectly ok. I will begin to have faith, that someone thinks I am good enough. I will begin to tell my children, and show them, that no matter what, they are my everything. I will begin to have more fun, and less stress. I will begin to be the person my parents can count on should my mom lose her battle with cancer.

So many things are going on in my life, and I am so confused. On one hand, I am happy, I am strong, I can do the things set before me. On the other, I have to let some things go. I've quit my design teams, my obligations, and I'm going back to Alaska to help my family out, who is dealing with the very real fact that my mom is dying of Cancer. Her lungs are about 90% filled, and her heart has fluid around it. She is always in such good spirits, and won't give up, no matter what, but with the things I'm trying to deal with right now, I need to be able to focus on what matters.

Things change so fast. Things you thought you knew, you don't. Things that appear to be, never really are. I hate to be so vague, but putting ones life on a blog for all to read tends to backfire, so those close to me, know. Those who want to feel in the know, know I'm thankful to have people who care.

I will be ok. Things will happen. People will make mistakes. Life will hand you lemons. You can take them and make lemonade, or you can cut them in half, and squeeze them in the eyes of those that make you mad.( I'm choosing the latter.) My kids are amazing,  they make  my life worth living, even if I never remember to take pictures of them. I am going to pull my camera out of the chaos that is my living room, and capture them how they are right now. Growing so fast, making me wish I had more time to freeze.

Thank you all so much for the calls, IM's, emails, comments, and everything you all do to make me feel so loved. I needed it. While I can't promise to inspire anyone with layouts for a long time, or pictures of my cute kids, I can promise to post the happenings of a mother of 4 and her crazy stories of friendship gone awry when I meet up with my soon to be Britney buddy, Courtney Things are gong to get better. I will scrapbook again one day. I might even get that HOF entry done eventually and suprise you all ; )

Thanks again for all you guys have done for me. I will not be a stranger. I will make sure to keep in touch with all of you. Don't give up me yet. Just because I'm quitting, doesn't mean you guys can =)

Until I get to Alaska... Merry Christmas. May it find you well =)

She lives.

I'm alive. I'm okay. I'm going back home tomorrow to face the problems I tried to runaway from.

I'll keep you all posted. Thanks so much for the well wishes.

A girl couldn't ask for better friends.

Seriously = )

...

My.

Life.

Is.

Falling.

APART.

This just in.

I've been so busy avoiding the crime section of the newspaper, and trying to keep my head above water lately, that I've yet to update on some of the awesome things transpiring in my life.

1. I've lost 6 pounds. No need to clap, it appears to all have come from the left side of my chest, and nowhere else. With this new found weight loss, I also got a diagnosis of melanoma, on the right breast. Seems both of them have decided to revolt against not only staying firm, but also against being aesthetically pleasing. I HAD A small piece of a growing mole removed, and they've yet to confirm whether or not it is something to worry about. I'm sure since it's the military, and it has nothing to do with stolen property at the value of $5.99, it will take them weeks to get back to me. A photo of me. Attempting to show the weight loss, but really only looking as if I'm being moved about by puppet strings. I never was good at the whole full body shot thing.

2. The kids are doing great. Not misbehaving as much as usual. It's the whole Halloween thing I think. Aubree made the executive decision last week that She no longer wanted to be cute, she wanted to be "Sassy". So she picked out a cute hair cut, and went with it. I happen to think it makes her look about 6 years older than she should, but she sports it well.
She refuses to get her photo taken anymore. She can't be bothered with such things. Hers is a hard lot in life. It's a wonder she manages to stay so slim with all the stress she carries.

3. Mike is getting ready to leave. Doing the things necessary to embark on yet another unnecessary absence to a country half-way around the world.
. With moving comes the obvious loathesome task of packing the whole house. It's times like this I wish I had adopted a much more minimalist lifestyle at a younger age. We've done 1 closet and already have 5 boxes. It's going to be a long 2 months.

4. Charity is speaking in sentences which is amazing in and of itself. She has no desire to pee or poop on the potty chair. EBA. (Her words, not mine). If I can find a college willing to let her bring her own pull-ups, I'll write it off as a learning experience, and move on to Mia. Who needs to be potty trained? Really?

5. Mikey is pretty much ready to move out on his own. He's only home when we lock the doors and force him to stay indoors with the threat of groundation to his room if he chooses not to listen. I don't ever remember being as social as he seems to be when I was younger. I don't even have a current photo of him, as he literally wishes to be playing and or riding bikes from the minute he gets off the bus, until he's forced to use a flash light to find his way home. He's behaving awesome though, and is reading like a champ. (You'll note that's my genes there, Mike hates to be bothered with such things as books.)

6. Miss Mia is still 12 pounds and holding. She does however eat pretty much 24 hours a day. I've taken to supplementing her as my days of lounging around the house in a bathrobe don't allow for much to get done. I figure she's still getting the breast milk, I'm just adding a bit more. I can't figure out where it's going though. She's not getting any bigger, and it's certainly not helping her grow hair. If it wasn't for the pink bracelet people might think she was a boy.
Truth be told, they still think she's a boy, just a boy who's fond of the color pink.

I hate to end it on 6, because that really isn't even an appealing number. But lack of anything interesting to report leads me to believe it's best to end it here.

I've looked at all the questions, and started answering them. I want to answer them all, and will then let the winner of the best question know, so that she might enjoy the fruits of her labor.

If you need anything from me, scrapbook related or otherwise, please send me an email. I'm literally drowning inthe river that is my life this week. So I might need to be asked more than once.

I hope you all have a happy halloween, and don't hesitate to dress up. I'm going as a desperate housewife. bathrobe, curlers, my mini skirt, and a pair of stiletto heels. ( I'm certain I won't actually go through with it, but the idea is really very tempting). I'll be back before too long with pages, and more food for thought. Or maybe I'll just be back with food. Who really knows. Either way. Have a Happy Halloween = )